Almost every phone call has lead to tears. I'm worried I'm going to turn into one of Pavlov's dogs and put on the water works before I even answer my cell. For now- my heart just flutters and I answer hoping for the best.
Today was one of those days. The phone rang, I was told something unexpected, and as I relayed the news to my husband, the tears began to fall. Something about saying the words outloud upsets me even more. It is also cleansing though. The more times I say it, the less shocking it feels. But, before I tell you about today's conversation with the nurse- I need to catch you up on how we got here.
As I recall ... I contacted SGF after six months of trying to conceive. At 35, you get the bonus (if you can call it that) of getting an earlier appointment. Those under 35 have to wait a full year. The doctor recommended a round of tests. First, an ultrasound which would tell me how many follicles my ovaries have in a cycle. Second, a hysterosalpingogram. Say that five times fast! For short, it's called an HSG. It was supposed to flush out my fallopian tubes, indicating that they're clear. It didn't. One of mine is blocked.
My follicle count was 6. 4 on the left ovary, 2 on the right. I had no idea what normal was (the nurse on the phone didn't say). All I knew is that it wasn't "ideal". Well, I wanted to be IDEAL! - so I cried. Then, I googled it. Big mistake. After some random internet reading, I was convinced I was in menopause. Friends would tell me, "It only takes one." I tried focusing on that. It didn't help; even though they're right. In the back of my mind, I was thinking odds are against me.
Meanwhile, my husband's sperm was analyzed. The doctor called me with those results (she didn't have his phone number). The results were "concerning," to use her word. I cried. I didn't want my husband to feel badly because, to me, he's as good as it gets and I wouldn't change him. Another test with the urologist confirmed the same concern. They'd identified a male factor issue.
His doctor recommended IVF.
My doctor recommended IVF.
We are both part of an unlucky 15% of the population facing infertility issues.
(IVF can do this! It really can!!)
So, we're both challenged. That may seem disheartening and overwhelming, but I think it actually helps to both be in the not so fertile boat. We understand how the other one feels and we are truly going through things together. My husband, God bless him, has really done a lot to understand his diagnosis and mine. He's read books. He's educated me. He's participated inquisitively in doctor appointments. He's really handled it so well... for the both of us. He's so much calmer than me. He can talk me down from the tearful ledge. When I told him I only had 6 follicles, his answer was, "They're the best damn six follicles in the world." I loved him even more for saying that. I stopped crying, and then I laughed.
At this point in our story, it's somewhere around June. In the next post, I'll tell you about June - December.
