I'm a pin cushion.

My life is becoming a series of run ins with needles.  Last week I took an injection class.  Well, SGF calls it a class, but in reality it was just me, another woman, her husband, and a nurse.  It's hard for me to explain why, but it was awkward.  The nurse did all the talking, revealing along the way some of our individual issues.  I suppose she had to in order to walk us through our respective meds.  To the nurse though, our facts were just talking points.  To me (and I'm sure to the woman across from me), they're much more than that.  They're part of a long story of struggling and coping and unfortunately what has lead us into this next battle with drug vials and needles.  I wanted to say, to that other lady - Hey, I'm sorry you are going through this.  I know how hard it is.  Good luck.  I wish you the best.  But, she didn't really look at me and I didn't really look at her.  No words were exchanged between us.  We both just stared at the nurse.



I'm always antsy before a flu shot, so I shouldn't have been surprised that sitting at a table full of needles would be unsettling.  Being in a small room staring down something I'm mildly afraid of made me think of Fear Factor.  Note:  I think those Fear Factor people are crazy.  But, if I wanted a chance at the prize (in my case a baby), I'd have to play and get through this freaky, anxiety heightening class.  During the session the nurse showed us what all the vials and needles look like.  To my surprise, the needles don't already come pre-mixed with meds.  First we stuck the needle into a vial of saline.  (No problem.)  Then we drew out 1mL of liquid.  (Shoot.  I took too much.)  Then we were supposed to get rid of air bubbles.  (Darn it.  The air bubbles in my needle were infinite.  I was struggling.  I moved on anyway.)  Next, we stuck the same needle into another vial and drew out the medicine.  (The couple across got to sit there while I did that again; I'm apparently taking two times as many meds as her.)  Again, we were told to get rid of the air bubbles.  (I try, but end up with more bubbles.)  Last, we stuck our needle into a bean bag like prop.  (Sure, that's easy when it isn't into your own stomach skin.) We did a similar exercise for the next drug.  Same struggles.  Class wasn't going well.  I deserved a C, at best.  Then it ended.  Not exactly feeling confident about doing this for real.  Thankfully, the SGF site provides videos.  Watching is my self-assigned homework.

Back in December when H and I met with our doctor, he asked her for her thoughts on acupuncture.  Most doctors turn their nose up to the homeopathic side of medicine.  To my surprise, she recommended it.  She wouldn't exactly attest to acupuncture leading to pregnancy, but she did say at the very least it could reduce stress.  I'd been thinking about whether or not to try it anyway.  So, when it became semi doctor approved, I figured I'd kick myself later if I didn't do it and we didn't get the results we're hoping for.  I researched some clinics in my neighborhood and found one that seemed legit and would also be convenient.  I met with the acupuncturist last Friday.  She's nice (very calm and soothing voice).  She smiles a lot.  She does things I don't understand like "listening to" my pulse.  She closes her eyes when she does that.  It's weird.  For the first session she did a "cleansing."  I don't ask for further explanations (those might be weird too).  I just laid on my stomach while she put a bunch of tiny, thin needles into my back.  They're flimsy (not like a sewing needle, which is what I'd always envisioned).  Before hand, I did ask her what it would feel like when she put the needles in - she said it'd feel a little like a mosquito biting.  That's pretty accurate; even better- sometimes it feels like nothing.  When she was done, by my count, there were 18 needles sticking out of my back.  She left the room and turned on some ocean waves music.  I was alone with my needles and my thoughts for about 30 minutes.   I didn't sleep, but afterwards I did feel like I'd napped.  She removed the needles, listened to my pulse again, and told me I was responding well to the treatment.  Is it all hog wash?  I'm still not sure.  But, all in all, it's a simple thing to do and if it helps - great!   If it doesn't, at least I'll get some pseudo napping in over the next couple of weeks.

Today is Cycle Day 4.  I'll be starting the injections tonight.  For the first few nights I'll poke myself twice, subcutaneously.  One drug will assist with egg production and ovulation.  The other, if I understand correctly, is a synthetic form of the follicle stimulating hormone.  I know it won't hurt THAT much.  I know diabetics (and all the other IVF-ers) do it all the time.  I know once I get the hang of it will be less scary.  I know, I know, I know!  All that logic will be easier to believe once I'm over the - this is my first time hurdle.  Were you (or would you be) scared the first time you had to jump off a high dive?  Even though you watched other people do it?  That's how I feel.  I'm nervous and I'm going to be alone on that diving board (H had to go out of town for work).  I'll do it, there just won't be anyone around to push me or to hold my hand.  I have to jump though.  And when I come up for air I'll think it's silly I worked myself up so much.  I'm trying to focus on that moment... the afterwards.  Everything always seems easier in retrospect.