Me and H; H and me. Our young marriage got a big test in the very first year. At first we clumsily stumbled through the IVF news - with love, sadness, and some fights. I remember one not so elegant conversation that ended with me leaving the condo in tears and wandering the neighborhood in search of comfort, which I found after sitting on the front steps of my church. I guess I figured if my husband couldn't help me (and he normally could), God was a pretty good second stop. After a few minutes, I just wanted to go home and hug it out. The quick change of heart was either the power of the Lord, or I just felt ridiculous sitting there with tears on my face. Plus- the mosquitoes were out. When I got home, there wasn't any further discussion about that particular topic for a few months; we just left it unsettled and moved on with our day. Back then we knew we wanted a baby, but we weren't on the same page about how to get there and we definitely didn't know how to talk about it. Now we understand how to share our thoughts with one another and more importantly how to listen while trusting that the other person wants what's best for us both. Listening sometimes takes more patience and understanding than I initially knew I had. Passing through this test is giving us communication skills to help us now and forever. We do slip up from time to time (I definitely snapped at H yesterday about flip flops in front of the door) but then I remembered that we're dealing with much bigger things and I regretted sweating the small stuff. Our perspectives are forever changed. When we got married I was more than confident we'd be able to get through life's bumps, but until you're truly tested you don't completely know if you will get through it with grace and/or dignity. Now I know. Absolutely. Without the a doubt. We're pretty much rock solid now.
Food. Eating and body image has been an adult long issue for me. I love sweets, but when I eat them, I don't love myself. The joy of a cupcake is later ruined by feeling too fat for my pants (as if gaining weight happens in an instant, right after I'm done licking the icing off of my fingers). Sugar, sadly, is a bit like an addiction. The more I eat, the fatter and sadder I feel, yet I keep going back for more. When infertility reared its head some friends, some books, and some blogs shared a myriad of ideas on what I shouldn't be eating. No alcohol. No caffeine. No sugar. No gluten. No dairy. I was desperate, so I tried really hard to change my habits. Weekend wine, morning coffee, constant sugar, anytime bread, and yogurt snacks became enemy #1. I was more successful at some restrictions than others. When I wasn't successful I got mad at myself for not having more will power ... why didn't I have the will to give up a few food groups to gain a BABY!? After sufficiently beating myself up, I had to amend from none to LESS and recognize that food probably wasn't the problem nor the solution to infertility. Miraculously though, as I ate less and less of these things, I started to notice that I just plain felt better. I have more energy, I'm sick less, my clothes aren't tight, etc. Good healthy habits, IVF has inadvertently taught me (I never seemed to quite get that message on my own), is a great thing.
"I never shall have that Park Avenue air, but I'm in such health, why should I care?" -Bette Midler / Beaches
Just Me, my thoughts, and I. I'm full of quotes today. One of the best lines from Shawshank Redemption goes like this, "The world went and got itself in a big damn hurry." Isn't that so true? In fact, one of my nick names from H is "Run Around Ris." I'm in a big damn hurry. I constantly over schedule myself in an effort to stay busy and to what end? Usually a stressed out one. But, stress is not productive for anyone going through IVF. During acupuncture, when I'm alone with my thoughts (no distractions) for 30 minutes each visit, I'm forced to focus on myself. It's the calmest part of my day. Since starting, I've learned that I have to have quiet time even on the days I don't see the acupuncturist I suppose what I'm doing is a cross between meditation and therapy; I lay on a couch and stare at the ceiling. A little bit of couch time has shown me that slowing down and finding moments to work through my spinning mind is surprisingly helpful. I'm not ready to commune with Buddah (may not ever be), but I'm beginning to understand why Buddhism teaches that peace comes from within. I control my thoughts, no one else. Just me.
Dont' get me wrong - IVF shots, appointments, poking and prodding all score a big fat zero on the fun scale - but it's upsetting and overwhelming to spend too much time thinking about that. Instead, I'm choosing to see that this process has it's privileges and (along with luck) has the power to lead the greatest something of all, a child of our own.
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