Ok. That hurt.

Last week H and I went to his father's retirement party.  H's dad worked for this company for over 25 years.   I've only been in the family for some of those, but in that short time I've seen how much pride F-I-L (father-in-law) had in his work.  He put in a lot of hours, along the way earning the respect of his co-workers and the admiration of his son.  On vacations, with some frequency he'd have calls to take and give up free time to resolve work issues, but I never heard him complain about it.  He did his job with the vigor of a newly hired employee.  His work ethic is exemplary.  All this is to say, we were looking forward to the party his colleagues had put together for him.  I knew they'd miss him.  How could they not?  He seemed to me to be the glue (professionally and socially) of his workplace.

H and I arrived at the party and quickly noticed a slide show.  My brother and sister and law had combed through boxes of photos.   They found sweet and funny snapshots of time gone by and handed them off to someone at the company.  The result was a visual of a wonderful life full of family, friends, co-workers, and endless smiles.  Among other touching tributes, the slide show was one of the highlights of the party.

When things were settling down and as people started to leave I snuck off to find a place to do my nightly injections.  Even when I'm having fun, it's hard to forget about IVF.  When I returned, just a handful of people lingered to dig deeper into the slide show; reminiscing about work trips and embracing all the good times over the years.  The final slide was a family photo taken at the beach a few years ago.  H and I weren't married yet, but his brothers each had two kids at that time.  I admit, it is a nice picture.  In all, there were 12 of us in the shot.  The woman who put together the slide show, at the moment that picture appeared said, "You know, this is a person's real legacy.  It's not the work you leave behind, it's your children and grandchildren who are what really matter."  She's right (work isn't all there is to an accomplished life) and that's a beautiful sentiment.  F-I-L loves his family above all else and I know he's a proud husband, dad and grandpa.  To add insult to injury, she said it twice to two different groups of people.  I was obviously in ear shot for both.  What she didn't know is that his middle son and I are in the throws of IVF, constantly wondering if we'll be able to create a legacy through children of our own.  Her words filled my mind, heart, stomach, and soul with fear and pain.  I tired to smile, an impossible task after feeling like you've just been punched in the gut.  There was no escaping the sense of doom I felt.  I just had to hope my face didn't show my anguish.  An innocent, heartfelt statement can sometimes become the most hurtful words I hear.  H and I don't shout out our issue to everyone we meet and society doesn't know to be cognizant of these types of problems.   Heck, I didn't either before I landed in this category of people.  After having been through this, I'll forever be mindful of what I say or ask when it comes to the very personal journey of couples making families.  I don't expect others to innately know this, but that doesn't make a random statement hurt any less.

What I'd really like is for a Vince Vaughn looking angel to come along and put ear muffs on my head in the instant before a stinging comment will be made.  I know that will never happen and I also know I can't hide from the unpredictability of social situations, as tempting as that may be.  I have to face the every day circumstances and continue to build a thicker skin.  I do that by reminding myself that I'm lucky to have H and our wonderful families and so many other of life's gifts.  When I'm done with this post, I'll put this memory to bed and go back to thinking about what I enjoyed from that night.  It was a pleasure to honor F-I-L and he deserved every second of it.

Because I now feel badly about having used some of these lines in the past, I share these helpful hints in a small effort to make the world a safer place for infertiles:  http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html