Blogs. There is an entire website devoted to blogs about infertility. It's called Stirrup Queens. She boasts 1800+ blogs dedicated to this sensitive topic. I've probably looked at 100 of them. I was on the hunt for someone like me. I wanted to find a story of another woman, with all the same diagnoses, who had a baby. After 20 or so reads, it dawned on me that finding another "me" was going to be difficult. Infertility comes in many different packages. One blogger had endometriosis (I don't). One blogger had too much Follicle Stimulating Hormone (Not me.) Another blogger had an AMH of 5 (remember mine? I do. It's .017). But, I kept searching anyway. These stories aren't easy to digest and after another 80ish blog reads I discovered something many of them have do in common - profound pain. It's written all over their pages. They sound depressingly desperate. I just don't feel that way (more on that later) and I don't want to feel that way. Reading the blogs, unexpectedly, just made me feel more alone. Stirrup Queens exists so people can find a community. But, I just don't fit in. Ironically, this realization is part of what made me start blogging. I have my own, unique story and sharing it with you all creates a more personal community. I don't need to seek one on the internet, I already have one. Thank goodness for that and thank you for reading.
(image from Sirrup Queens' site)
Google. You've heard me call it evil. It really can be a waste of time. Other than blogs, what I find when I type in search terms (e.g., blocked fallopian tube) are discussion forums (oh- and usually a wikipedia page). On the forums a woman will post her symptoms and then ask for advice. For example, this one: "Im 29yrs old and just found out yesterday from the radioloigist doing my HSG that both my tubes are blocked and its going to be impossible for me to have babies :< My partner whom Im with today, my first and only partner gave me chlmedia about 10yrs ago which was taken care of back then but my radiologist is banking that my tubes are blocked due to the infection?? Any body been through that if so what actions did u take??? and how has it helped u????" She followed up later with " ... Its hard to deal with this as I have no one else to talk to other then my partner whom i strugle to connect with as in my eyes he is to blame for this..." Is reading that beneficial to me? My answer is NO. No, that is not helpful and I don't have time to think about the multitude of issues her post presents. (I am compelled to note - I never had chlamydia.) While I'm pretty close to never googling another symptom, I won't totally give up on the internet. Today it lead me to this: Dr. Malpani's Blog. A blog ... by a common sense doctor. Eureka! In another post I'll write about how Dr. M's blog has already been a life saver. It relates to all the pressure I've been putting on myself to take vitamins, eat right, avoid caffeine, etc. A lot of those ideas came from random sources, but Dr. Malpani set me straight.
(Does Taking Supplements Help IVF Patients?)
Silent Sorority. One of the blogs I came across is called Coming2Terms. It chronicles the story of a woman who tried to conceive for 11 years. The post I read focused on a New York Times article, in which this woman was featured, entitled, "Facing Life Without Children When It Isn't by Choice." I was immediately fascinated. How DO people deal with that? I had to know. Remember... I like to think of all the worst case scenarios, find solutions to them, and/or make myself feel better about them. If I explore it now, it won't be a shock if I have to face it later. When I noticed she wrote a book on the topic, I wasted no time and bought it (thank you kindle!). Once I started reading, I couldn't stop. At first I was captivated by her story. We had some very important things in common (for example, we're both tall and hate our feet!). But, as she delved deeper into her anguish, I couldn't relate. She wrote about feeling like her body was failing her. That never occurred to me. I didn't cry when I had to start wearing glasses in the 8th grade. My eyes just wore out early. So, maybe my eggs are too. I don't consider that a personal failure; it's part of the unpredictability of life. She spent paragraph upon paragraph detailing all the experiences she'd miss out on. I'd never imagined that I'd miss the opportunity to go to a parent-teacher conference, to be the tooth fairy, or to send my kid off to college... until I read it. H and I don't spend much (if any) time fantasizing; it's not our nature. This book was starting to scare me. She also spent a lot of energy avoiding friends with kids and conversations about kids. It never dawned on me to do that (it'd be impossible and it'd steal the joy I get from being around nephews and godbabies and little cuties). Now terrified I'd one day think this way, I kept reading ... waiting for her to tell me the formula to her getting over those "losses." Her answer was time ... years of time. That scared me too. I wouldn't want to spend years being depressed and hiding. By the end of the book I was wondering if something is wrong with me. Do I not want this badly enough? That can't possibly be true, but I did begin to doubt myself. I continued to think about why I am not an emotional wreck. Am I in denial? Am I delusional? No, the conclusion I came to is that it's because I already had my melt down. When we found out our diagnosis back in July I was a sad, mad mess. I was devastated and heartbroken (in my own way). I've had six months to wrestle with my feelings about being infertile. I started IVF in between roller coasters, not already riding one. I didn't know it then, but those six months were a gift.
(A side note - This memoir wasn't what the step by step guide to happiness I was searching for, but it did help me in an unexpected way. I am grateful for and do admire her honesty.)
There is a chance IVF might work, and I'll consider H and I the luckiest people in the world if it does. But, there's also a chance it may not work. If not, we'll try adoption. And if adoption doesn't pan out, then we may face a life with no kids. It does break my heart if I think about never knowing what it is like to have a loving son or daughter stare into my eyes, but it isn't going to kill me and I'm learning to push those thoughts aside. H and I will move on and keep living this wonderful life. He's a gift too and either way I'll be thankful for him everyday (maybe not alllll day everyday, but definitely everyday).
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